Tag Archives: FoxNews

SO LONG, PINKOS – FOX FAREWELLS SYDMUN 2013

By James Lawler, for Fox News

It’s been a big three days for FOX News in SydVEGAS. We’ve covered everything from North Korean refugee abuses to international terror-funding financial controls, even though FOX’s financial knowledge is limited to remembering his 4-digit PIN number (and FOX can’t remember both of them).

We’ve seen the Security Council eject Human Rights (literally) and become a geopolitical ashram, the Third General Assembly turn into a Battle of the Longest Speech, and the Sydney Uni New Law building become a mosh-pit for pizza. Somalia’s been colonised, the UN’s been cyberattacked, and Ban Ki-Moon has taken up the Charles Taylor-model of leadership. FOX has tweeted loud, grilled hard and drunk far more than is sobre and sensible.

After Fair and Balanced consideration, FOX can confidently say that crypto-communists out to destroy the greatest land on earth, the good old US of A, and the Christian family values it stands for. But, some of you have revealed yourselves to be true Americans (at least in spirit), and for that FOX is glad.

Thus, as the final night is on us, this correspondent recommends two paths. For the patriots tonight, drink hard. And for the leftists, they say some find God at the bottom of the bottle – so drink hard for Jesus.
God bless, and down with the liberal agenda,FOX NEWS

DICTATORS CRACK UNDER PRESS SCRUTINY

By James Lawler, for Fox News

Over the course of this conference, FOX has suffered greatly for his work – take the excruciating back pain resulting from being confined to a chair outside the Security Council, or the psychological trauma of an intense hangover after SydVEGAS. These are brutal blows but, gallant as always, your correspondent will endure.

Yet, greater still, and much more righteous, is the agony inflicted by the press by its scrutiny of the delegates who would rather lurk in the darkness of an anonymous committee chair. Peddling their spin and pursuing their foul agendas, they would much rather the International Press Gallery wasn’t there to shine a harsh, revealing light on them and their designs. But that’s too bad.

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In a series of press conferences today, FOX witnessed a number of delegates from the world’s less-transparent regimes crack under IPG scrutiny. We saw 3rd General Assembly’s Chinese representative bellowing at a Sydney Morning Herald reporter in response to her questions exposing the Communist regime’s detainment of 50 Tibetan activists on Death Row. Earlier, China had called for transparency – but, evidently, only when it’s not directed at them.

Your own FOX correspondent was also subjected to smear and slander. In response to our public grilling of Russia’s unwillingness to engage with the Press, the Russian delegate accused us of “low-level discourse”, claiming further that this media organisation is “a state propaganda mouthpiece”. Newsflash, Russia: FOX News is a privately-owned media organisation, with a proud record of scrutinising all governments, including the USA’s democratic regimes. Of course, given that Russia currently ranks an appalling 148th out of 179 on the international Press Freedom Index, such hostility towards independent journalism is unsurprising. We will never forget Anna Politkovskaya.FOX is not here to make you look or feel good. Instead, we’re after the truth – and when you shout and wail and bluster, FOX knows it’s doing its job.

A GOOD DAY FOR JIHAD: FOX REVIEWS SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTION ON SOMALIA

By James Lawler, for Fox News

In a non-exclusive, FOX has gained access to the Security Council’s draft resolution addressing the recent Kenyan intervention in Somalia. Proposed by Morocco, key features of the resolution include:

– CONDEMNING the Kenyan intervention, demanding the withdrawal of Kenyan forces from Jubaland and endorsing sanction in the event of non-compliance.

– DEPLOYING a peacekeeping force to administer Jubaland AND a monitoring taskforce to monitor possible human-rights violations.

– REINDORSING the embargo on Somalian charcoal exports in an attempt to financially weaken Somali terror group Al-Shabaab.

In summary, this draft resolution bears all the signs of a classically misguided, bleeding-heart and utterly chaotic piece of liberal foreign policy.

Firstly, it puts blame in the wrong places. The resolution incomprehensibly blasts Kenya’s occupation of the Jubaland region as an “annexation”, despite the Kenya’s previous statements that they’ll withdraw troops as soon as possible. Yet, it utterly fails to condemn the Somali government’s hapless inability to prevent its territory being used as a launch-pad for international terror. This sets a terrible precedent for international norms – the Security Council is fine states being riddled with terrorists, but unable to comprehend the notion of self-defence.

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THE UN’S PLAN FOR JUBALAND.

Secondly, the resolution is unworkable. It demands Kenya withdraw troops from Jubaland within 48 hours, although Kenya has already publically refused to follow such a timetable. As a stopgap measure, it demands the deployment of a humanitarian monitoring force in Jubaland. However, it might want to be noted that Jubaland is currently also a warzone, with Kenyan forces under siege from Somali troops and Al-Shabaab militants (something the Council seems to have forgotten, given that it also fails to even call for a ceasefire in the region). Hence, the resolution is effectively sending UN monitors off to die.

Compounding the likelihood of this resolution actually escalating the Jubaland conflict is the proposed deployment of a UN peacekeeping force in Jubaland. According to the text of the resolution, troops have the authority “to use all necessary measures to restore international peace and security”. For those of you unaware of typical Council resolutions, this mandate is impossibly wide. Given Somalia is still battling to re-seize the region, it will effectively drag the UN into a war with Somalia – the country it is trying to save. Thus, our situation is clear – the Security Council has made a serious geopolitical boo-boo. It fails to effectively recognise the true belligerents of the conflict, deploys nonsensical forces which will likely obliterate rather than rescue Jubaland, and fails to effectively target the terrorists responsible for this whole horrific mess. FOX News condemns this draft resolution, condemns the Obama Administration for supporting it, and condemns all other Council members for being parley to such a travesty of international justice.

EVERYONE IS INSANE – FOX REVIEWS DAY 2 OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL

By James Lawler, for Fox News

FOX should note it can’t report with certainty on developments within the Security Council. After all, the Council did a brilliant Chairman Mao impersonation and ejected all independent observers for most of the proceedings. However, one thing’s certain – there’s no certainty on the Security Council’s position over Kenya’s sudden occupation of the Jubaland territory in Somalia.

The build-up wasn’t good. Outside chambers, the Rwandan delegate warned FOX that many delegates neither wanted to criticise nor condemn the Kenyan action. The Russian delegate claimed that there was “a general state of confusion” with negotiations. The American delegate couldn’t even say whether the Kenyan occupation was temporary or permanent. FOX knows fear of commitment, but this was something else.

The intergovernmental muddle came to a head in a special press conference held by the Council just before the close of debate. Most delegates supported a human-rights monitoring body in Jubaland – except Rwanda, who feared only deploying said force would allow ethnic cleansing to occur.

Russia claimed that there would be sanctions or punitive measures employed against Kenya; straight after, Morocco claimed the Council had supported withdrawing military support and African Union sanctions. Indeed, Morocco has put forward a resolution proposing punitive sanctions – which is not signed by Russia, China, or many states at all. This reporter is of the opinion that, like with the Iraq War, the Kenyan seizure of Jubaland will ultimately be for the better of its population. Readers’ mustn’t forget that to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs – or Somalis. However, this lack of any consensus by the Security Council makes us feel very, well… insecure.

REACTION TO KENYAN TESTIMONY UNDERSCORES COUNCIL’S UNWILLINGNESS TO STOP TERRORISTS

By James Lawler, for Fox News

A recent statement given to the Security Council by the President of Kenya has underscored the deep divisions in the gridlocked Council over how to respond to transnational terrorism.

In his submission the Kenyan President, recalling the tragic deaths of 67 Kenyan citizens in September’s Westgate Shopping Mall massacre at the hands of Al-Shabaab militants, slammed the Security Council’s recent Resolution 2124 on the African Union Mission in Somalia (AUMISOM), a long-running UN-endorsed military campaign to combat Al-Shabaab in Somalia.

According to the President, “undue restrictions have been placed on our peacekeeping forces” by this resolution, hindering AUMISOM’s ability to target the murderous Islamist group in a time where “military efforts must be allowed to continue unhindered by political concerns”.

Consequently, he demanded the Security Council revisit its previous resolutions on Somalia, and reissue AUMISOM with a wider mandate “to liberate Somalia’s people from the reaper’s grasp of Al-Shabaab”.

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President Kibaki – a very saintly man.

Yet, this wise leader’s submission was met with derision by the international bully-boys of the Security Council. Following the President’s departure, the delegate for Rwanda dismissed the Kenyan leader’s comments as premature, claiming that not enough time has passed to judge Resolution 2124’s success – despite the Kenyan president’s witness testimony that it is a gross failure.

In a statement to FOX News, Russia further blustered against the Council reconsidering its failed policy on Somalia, claiming that any change may lead to a surprise territorial occupation of Somalia by Kenya. Unsurprisingly, the delegate was however unable to answer FOX’s question on how unmandated previous Kenyan actions could be compared to today’s Security Council-mandated actions. Nor was he able to answer when the Security Council should reconsider the Somali situation, replying that this should occur “when something big happens”. One would think an abject failure in anti-terrorism policy by the world’s key security body was big enough.

SECURITY COUNCIL OFFICIALLY REJECTS HUMAN RIGHTS, PRESS FREEDOM

By James Lawler, for Fox News

If you’ve been following FOX News’ dogged reporting of the 2013 SydMUN Conference, you’ll be all too aware of the danger to man’s fundamental freedoms presented by the liberal and fascist media. Now, it seems, the disease has spread to the most important of UN institutions – the Security Council.

Yesterday afternoon, your dashing FOX correspondent took his seat in the hallowed Council, alongside representatives from Al-Jazeera and Human Rights, an international NGO. We entered in good faith, willing to report (with Fairness and Balance) the Security Council’s deliberations on Pakistan’s sectarian violence.

Yet, just as the delegate for China motioned to suspend formal debate and open real, gritty discussion – chaos. The Director crashed her non-existent gavel. She thundered that press delegates and NGO representatives were to be ejected from the chamber. Desperately your FOX correspondent alone protested, crying out for press freedom – but we were driven from the room, along with the last flicker of transparency in the United Nations.

Outside the chamber, the press and NGO representatives languished in silence. While the fate of South Asia was being decided in your name, FOX was left to beg for scraps of information from passing delegates – to no avail. Finally, after an eternity, we were permitted to re-enter the Security Council; we were rewarded for our – your – agony with a “press release” so obviously deceitful it would make Machiavelli blush.

The hallmark of totalitarian leftist regimes, such as Stalin’s Russia or Obama’s America, was (and is) their lack of political transparency and independent media scrutiny. Sadly, FOX must conclude that this filthy political pestilence has seeped and oozed its way into the UN, and we condemn the Security Council for their callous assault on liberal democracy. Yet, dear reader, this FOX correspondent will press on in its coverage – for truth, freedom, and the American way.

P IS FOR PINKO, F IS FOR FASCIST: FOX exposes YOUR conference “media”

By James Lawler for Fox News

If the liberty of the people depends on an independent media, then we may as well chain ourselves up right now – because this SydMUN brings the most farcical line-up of “free” press ever recorded.

In the left corner, we have the West’s usual cheer-squad for that totalitarian assault on American freedoms known as “liberalism”. From across the pond, delegates will be treated to the sight of crypto-communist rag The Guardian sympathetically covering the plight of Syrian child refugees in UNICEF, then vomiting their personal details across the internet.

Meanwhile, as the main cheerleader for President Obama and his proud record of crushing religious freedom, The New York Times will be reporting on the ICC’s attempted prosecution of Pope Benedict XVI. No prizes for guessing which way their analysis will tilt. Also anticipate leftist spin from Australia’s Sydney Morning Herald in the Second General Assembly – they endorsed a prime ministerial-candidate with RED hair!

Lurching across the political spectrum, we find the “state media” of the bully-boys of the international playground. From the Security Council, expect expert coverage on Pakistani terrorism deliberations from Al-Jazeera – after all, they have plenty of experience endorsing terrorism everywhere else.

Alternatively, First General Assembly delegates may wish to take note of our Comrades from Chinese-run Xinhua. Rumour has it you can make them disappear by shutting your eyes, clicking your heels thrice and saying “There’s no place like Tiananmen Square!”

But, reader, have no fear! By the command of God-King Rupert Murdoch himself, your intrepid correspondent is here to bring you the truth. As the only Fair And Balanced media outlet present at SydMUN 2013, FOX News will leave no un-American stone unturned through hard-hitting exposés on the liberal-fascist agenda from the Security Council to the International Law Commission.

Stay tuned, world – freedom is coming.

P.S. If you’re returning home via airline and find yourself fined for excess baggage, it’s probably the KCNA press team trying to seek political asylum.