Category Archives: SC

SO LONG, PINKOS – FOX FAREWELLS SYDMUN 2013

By James Lawler, for Fox News

It’s been a big three days for FOX News in SydVEGAS. We’ve covered everything from North Korean refugee abuses to international terror-funding financial controls, even though FOX’s financial knowledge is limited to remembering his 4-digit PIN number (and FOX can’t remember both of them).

We’ve seen the Security Council eject Human Rights (literally) and become a geopolitical ashram, the Third General Assembly turn into a Battle of the Longest Speech, and the Sydney Uni New Law building become a mosh-pit for pizza. Somalia’s been colonised, the UN’s been cyberattacked, and Ban Ki-Moon has taken up the Charles Taylor-model of leadership. FOX has tweeted loud, grilled hard and drunk far more than is sobre and sensible.

After Fair and Balanced consideration, FOX can confidently say that crypto-communists out to destroy the greatest land on earth, the good old US of A, and the Christian family values it stands for. But, some of you have revealed yourselves to be true Americans (at least in spirit), and for that FOX is glad.

Thus, as the final night is on us, this correspondent recommends two paths. For the patriots tonight, drink hard. And for the leftists, they say some find God at the bottom of the bottle – so drink hard for Jesus.
God bless, and down with the liberal agenda,FOX NEWS

The SMH buys out the NYT

By Sonia Feng, for the Sydney Morning Herald

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There has been a surprising turn of events within the International Press Gallery. The Sydney Morning Herald can finally confirm that Fairfax Media Limited has bought out The New York Times. Many in the unsuspecting international audience and broader viewership of The New York Times can cry a bloody river, because keep your hats on, the situation is riddled with a twofold story. A mildly entertaining saga, at that, within the world of riches.

Many will remember that merely a year ago, Fox News president and blatant justice obstructer despot, Roger Ailes, notably said in response to buying out The New York Times, in pursuit of some sort of heroic crusade to “purge the socialist rag of its un-American content and transform it into a paper for proper Americans”.

Well touché Fox News. Looks like Fairfax heard half of that message to purge it of its un-American content before Gina Rinehart got on another bandwagon of media investment.

Gina ‘eat your mines out’ Rinehart, the world’s richest woman, mining tycoon and budding media mogul has decided that monopoly over other industries can be both transnational and profitable.

In a precedential move towards media domination and public trust, Gina Rinehart has bought the NYT from Fox News. Speaking about her fellow conservative business partner slash broker, Rinehart has gone on the record to announce that she intends to “purge the un-American content [of the NYT] and transform it into a paper for proper Australians”. With a change of pace to its editorial direction, the SMH hopes that The New York Times will now be completely quote unquote “Australian”.

DICTATORS CRACK UNDER PRESS SCRUTINY

By James Lawler, for Fox News

Over the course of this conference, FOX has suffered greatly for his work – take the excruciating back pain resulting from being confined to a chair outside the Security Council, or the psychological trauma of an intense hangover after SydVEGAS. These are brutal blows but, gallant as always, your correspondent will endure.

Yet, greater still, and much more righteous, is the agony inflicted by the press by its scrutiny of the delegates who would rather lurk in the darkness of an anonymous committee chair. Peddling their spin and pursuing their foul agendas, they would much rather the International Press Gallery wasn’t there to shine a harsh, revealing light on them and their designs. But that’s too bad.

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In a series of press conferences today, FOX witnessed a number of delegates from the world’s less-transparent regimes crack under IPG scrutiny. We saw 3rd General Assembly’s Chinese representative bellowing at a Sydney Morning Herald reporter in response to her questions exposing the Communist regime’s detainment of 50 Tibetan activists on Death Row. Earlier, China had called for transparency – but, evidently, only when it’s not directed at them.

Your own FOX correspondent was also subjected to smear and slander. In response to our public grilling of Russia’s unwillingness to engage with the Press, the Russian delegate accused us of “low-level discourse”, claiming further that this media organisation is “a state propaganda mouthpiece”. Newsflash, Russia: FOX News is a privately-owned media organisation, with a proud record of scrutinising all governments, including the USA’s democratic regimes. Of course, given that Russia currently ranks an appalling 148th out of 179 on the international Press Freedom Index, such hostility towards independent journalism is unsurprising. We will never forget Anna Politkovskaya.FOX is not here to make you look or feel good. Instead, we’re after the truth – and when you shout and wail and bluster, FOX knows it’s doing its job.

A GOOD DAY FOR JIHAD: FOX REVIEWS SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTION ON SOMALIA

By James Lawler, for Fox News

In a non-exclusive, FOX has gained access to the Security Council’s draft resolution addressing the recent Kenyan intervention in Somalia. Proposed by Morocco, key features of the resolution include:

– CONDEMNING the Kenyan intervention, demanding the withdrawal of Kenyan forces from Jubaland and endorsing sanction in the event of non-compliance.

– DEPLOYING a peacekeeping force to administer Jubaland AND a monitoring taskforce to monitor possible human-rights violations.

– REINDORSING the embargo on Somalian charcoal exports in an attempt to financially weaken Somali terror group Al-Shabaab.

In summary, this draft resolution bears all the signs of a classically misguided, bleeding-heart and utterly chaotic piece of liberal foreign policy.

Firstly, it puts blame in the wrong places. The resolution incomprehensibly blasts Kenya’s occupation of the Jubaland region as an “annexation”, despite the Kenya’s previous statements that they’ll withdraw troops as soon as possible. Yet, it utterly fails to condemn the Somali government’s hapless inability to prevent its territory being used as a launch-pad for international terror. This sets a terrible precedent for international norms – the Security Council is fine states being riddled with terrorists, but unable to comprehend the notion of self-defence.

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THE UN’S PLAN FOR JUBALAND.

Secondly, the resolution is unworkable. It demands Kenya withdraw troops from Jubaland within 48 hours, although Kenya has already publically refused to follow such a timetable. As a stopgap measure, it demands the deployment of a humanitarian monitoring force in Jubaland. However, it might want to be noted that Jubaland is currently also a warzone, with Kenyan forces under siege from Somali troops and Al-Shabaab militants (something the Council seems to have forgotten, given that it also fails to even call for a ceasefire in the region). Hence, the resolution is effectively sending UN monitors off to die.

Compounding the likelihood of this resolution actually escalating the Jubaland conflict is the proposed deployment of a UN peacekeeping force in Jubaland. According to the text of the resolution, troops have the authority “to use all necessary measures to restore international peace and security”. For those of you unaware of typical Council resolutions, this mandate is impossibly wide. Given Somalia is still battling to re-seize the region, it will effectively drag the UN into a war with Somalia – the country it is trying to save. Thus, our situation is clear – the Security Council has made a serious geopolitical boo-boo. It fails to effectively recognise the true belligerents of the conflict, deploys nonsensical forces which will likely obliterate rather than rescue Jubaland, and fails to effectively target the terrorists responsible for this whole horrific mess. FOX News condemns this draft resolution, condemns the Obama Administration for supporting it, and condemns all other Council members for being parley to such a travesty of international justice.

Al-Shabaab forces near Mogadishu; no response from Security Council

By Yuvin Manadeniya, for Al Jazeera

The crisis that transpired yesterday on the Kenyan-Somalian border dominated much of the discussion that was led in the Security Council. The debate that arose centred on the removal of Kenyan forces in the area of Somalia known as Jubaland. While this remains a present and immediate threat, it has been noted that this has been done so at the expense of the current situation regarding the move of militant forces towards Somalia’s capital, Mogadishu.

The push into the Jubaland was achieved by relocating Kenyan forces that were involved in the AMISON mission. Kenyan forces were observed abandoning their positions in order to assist in the push into Jubaland. As a direct result of this, previously liberated areas were lost to Al-Shabaab forces and it has been reported that these forces are now moving towards Mogadishu. Somalia now faces two immediate threats; the Kenyan annexation of the Jubaland and the threat of an attack on Mogadishu.

It would be expected then that any discussion on the issue would reflect a holistic approach and encompass both issues, however this was not the case in Security Council meetings yesterday. While discussions attempted to find solutions for the Kenyan annexation of Jubaland, with proposals ranging from economic sanctions and punitive measures, there was little discussion to be found on the issue of Al-Shabaab forces moving to Mogadishu.

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When questioned on this, the Security Council did admit that discussions had led away from the Al-Shabaab crisis, with the delegate for Azerbaijan emphasising today the need to address the immediate threat which Somalia faces from these militant forces. It is hopeful that discussions today will lead to an effective solution which addresses the weakened nature of the AMISON forces, and the Al-Shabaab forces converging on Mogadishu.

EVERYONE IS INSANE – FOX REVIEWS DAY 2 OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL

By James Lawler, for Fox News

FOX should note it can’t report with certainty on developments within the Security Council. After all, the Council did a brilliant Chairman Mao impersonation and ejected all independent observers for most of the proceedings. However, one thing’s certain – there’s no certainty on the Security Council’s position over Kenya’s sudden occupation of the Jubaland territory in Somalia.

The build-up wasn’t good. Outside chambers, the Rwandan delegate warned FOX that many delegates neither wanted to criticise nor condemn the Kenyan action. The Russian delegate claimed that there was “a general state of confusion” with negotiations. The American delegate couldn’t even say whether the Kenyan occupation was temporary or permanent. FOX knows fear of commitment, but this was something else.

The intergovernmental muddle came to a head in a special press conference held by the Council just before the close of debate. Most delegates supported a human-rights monitoring body in Jubaland – except Rwanda, who feared only deploying said force would allow ethnic cleansing to occur.

Russia claimed that there would be sanctions or punitive measures employed against Kenya; straight after, Morocco claimed the Council had supported withdrawing military support and African Union sanctions. Indeed, Morocco has put forward a resolution proposing punitive sanctions – which is not signed by Russia, China, or many states at all. This reporter is of the opinion that, like with the Iraq War, the Kenyan seizure of Jubaland will ultimately be for the better of its population. Readers’ mustn’t forget that to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs – or Somalis. However, this lack of any consensus by the Security Council makes us feel very, well… insecure.

Kenyan forces invade Somalian territory, US provides support

By Yuvin Manadeniya, for Al Jazeera

A series of aggressive acts taken by Kenya quickly escalated throughout Security Council meetings today, where it was detailed how Kenyan forces have taken control of Jubaland and have received support from the US in this process.

The incidents began with an appeal by the Kenyan president for the Security Council to approve an extension of the powers granted to them in combating the forces of Al-Shabaab in Somalian territory. However, with no action being taken by the Security Council on this, Kenyan forces moved into the area of Somalia known as Jubaland, a long contested area of land between the two nations.

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This push resulted in a retreat of Al-Shabaab forces in the area, however due to Kenyan forces leaving their positions in the AMISOM mission to assist in this push, Al-Shabaab have secured positions that were previously liberated. Tensions rose as it was discovered that these militant forces are moving towards Mogadishu, in Somalia. The president of Somalia pleaded with the Security Council today to act upon this issue so that his people could be protected from acts of aggression from both Kenyan and Al-Shabaab forces.

While Kenya claimed initially that this move was to drive out Al-Shabaab forces, it has since claimed the area as a de facto territory with Kenyan law being applied and enforced through civilian police deployed in the area, an act which is in violation of human rights law.This escalated further when it was revealed in an intercepted document obtained through WikiLeaks that the presence of US drone activity was confirmed. The document detailed the use of MQ-9 drones for the purposes of providing close air support and reconnaissance to the Kenyan forces, however due to the continuous press lockouts that have occurred there has been no response from the US on this that we are able to report accurately on.